Feels

It normally takes me a while to discuss my mental issues out in the open.

When I was younger, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and immediately began telling everyone I knew about it in all the gory details (including showing people pictures of the inside of my small intestine). Part of me actually thought it was cool, but in retrospect it is clear that this oversharing was a defense mechanism that made me feel better about something that was very scary at the time.

The thing about mental illness is that there is a stigma attached to it. People tend to view depression as something you can “pull yourself out of,” despite the fact that if someone died from cancer, no one in their right mind would argue that “they just did not fight hard enough.” (Maria Bamford demonstrates this much better than I ever could.)

So, despite a part of me wanting to be open about my depression, I tend to hold back until I know someone better. There is something inappropriate about explaining the time I entered acute group therapy on a first date, for example. Additionally, most people on the street do not need to know about my late nights listening to Coldplay’s “The Scientist” on repeat.

But sometimes, not being open about struggles can cause problems. Keeping things bottled up and suppressing emotions is not healthy. And so, I find myself writing a far too revealing blog post.

When my mental illness was officially diagnosed at the end of high school, the prognosis was depression and anxiety; however, almost all of the symptoms I have been able to consciously notice have been depression related. While anxiety was a problem, it usually manifested itself as clenching my jaw, rather than my heart racing. The only time I have ever had a panic attack was when I tried to get on a (small) rollercoaster and collapsed in the queue. That probably deserves an entire post of its own, though.

Recently, however, I have been experiencing bouts of anxiousness that I only can only compare to how it felt to live away from home for the first time. Those went away eventually, and I came to view the college I was attending as a genuine second home that I miss to this day.

It is entirely possible that the main culprit this time around is the same as before; I recently enrolled in a four-year university for the first time in five years and there is a lot riding on my academic performance. To say that it is the only source of anxiety would be short-sighted, though.

I am not very skilled at making friends. I have always been introverted and shy and self-conscious (some of which was the result of mental illness rather than an inciting factor). Moving to a city for the first time, I naively expected things to be easier this time around. While there are more like-minded folks around Pittsburgh than in the wilds of Pennsyltucky, my social skills have not improved much in a half a decade. Yes, I am more confident in who I am, but I am still very much a loner at times and just plain do not mesh that well with most people.

I am completely okay with that, provided I can find a close-knit group of people to take the place of the dozens of friends a more social person would acquire. And you know what? I have found some of them, already.

So what is the problem? Not to play coy, but I am only comfortable divulging a certain amount publically. But the heart of the matter may be that I am afraid of easily losing that which I gained.

I used to always get the impression that people disliked me. To be fair, I can be very annoying, as so many people in elementary school explained by creating clubs at recess with the sole purpose of excluding me. As my sense of self has matured in the past decade, and as I received treatment for my mental health issues, this has been reduced greatly. But now, it seems that somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart, that fear is alive and well.

This past week, I have been feeling anxiety come over me at an unprecedented rate. At its worst, I was feeling it every few minutes. This has since subsided, thanks in large part to the help of the campus counseling center (those people are doing God’s work). But even as I write this, I wonder what the people I have come to know will think of this confession, and if it will lower their view of me. It is a silly concern, but at the moment, an unshakable one.

I feel guilty whining about it. I know people that struggle with anxiety issues far worse than this. To them, I fear, this rambling post may seem trivial. But it is all very unfamiliar to me and as a result, scary.

I will probably regret posting something this revealing for so many people to read, but I am a firm believer that you regret the things you do not do more than the things you do. Plus, this is super cathartic. And maybe it will make someone else going through something feel less alone.

Or maybe this is just me oversharing again to feel a little less scared.

"The State" of Alternative Comedy (See what I did there?)

Alternative Comedy is, in its simplest form, an intentional departure from the mainstream sensibilities and styles of comedy. It is known for a more casual demeanor and a general sort of weirdness that permeates it from the core outward. Displaying a grand level of self-awareness, it is meta, with performers at times commenting on their jokes as they are still telling them. Instead of appealing to the lowest common denominator, jokes are crafted to be a unique representation of the comedian’s personality.

The beginning of the Alt. comedy movement is difficult to pinpoint. The term itself was coined in the 80s, but it has been expanded to retroactively include older comedians like Mel Brooks and Steve Martin. Though it has existed for decades, only recently has it grown in popularity, infusing itself in the popular comedy culture.

Arguably the single biggest reason for this expansion is the advent of podcasting. In the last decade, podcasts have proven themselves to be popular forms of entertainment. They emerged as digital radio shows and have blossomed into a many-formed means of self-expression. There are many aspects of podcasting that make it ideal for the dissemination of comedy: most shows are prerecorded, allowing for carefully constructed set-ups and sketches; they are cheap to produce and distribute; they can reach any market with reliable internet; and most importantly, anyone can make one. Podcasts, with their laissez-faire attitude and ease of production, proved the perfect medium for comedians—especially those with lulls in their careers.

Chris Hardwick started his Nerdist podcast by recording himself and his friends having freeform discussions about comedy and their lives. What began as a small way to kill some time constructively grew into one of the major podcast empires of the internet. The Nerdist podcast is consistently one of the most popular podcasts on iTunes and is now the flagship show of a network of dozens of podcasts. The network has been so successful, that in 2012 it became a property of film studio Legendary Entertainment.

Another success story is Marc Maron’s WTF. Shortly after his terrestrial radio show was cancelled, Maron began recording interviews with other comedians. Due to his openness about personal issues and his occasionally confrontational nature, the show found a broad, loyal fan base and is one of the most respected podcasts on the scene.

Comedy Central has also contributed to the rise of Alt. Comedy. In the past few years, they have green lit several shows that cater to the Alternative crowd. Broad City, which has its roots in a web series is produced by Amy Poehler and swims in the kind of weirdness Alt. comedy has become known for. Episodes feature seemingly innocuous events like waiting for a package and spin plots that involve treks across New York and encounters with strange characters. @midnight uses a game show format as an excuse to feature Alternative comics. Through internet-inspired games, contestants get to show their comedic chops.

When a genre of something becomes labeled “alternative,” it is because it offers some sort of other option to the mainstream. The ironic thing is that alternative genres, as is the case with music, grow and develop into popular categories in their own rights. Coldplay is hardly an unknown band, but they are one of the key acts of the alternative music genre. In a similar way, alt. comedy is becoming increasingly what people think of when they hear the term “comedy.”

Arguably, the increased popularity is a good thing. More exposure means more album and ticket sales for previously unknown performers. There is always the risk of “selling out,” but as the corporate forces supporting comedy become increasingly open to alternative acts and sensibilities, is that really that bad of a thing?

If you are looking to get into alt. comedy, the best advice I can offer is to find someone whose voice speaks to you by listening to various podcasts. Pandora is also a great way to sample many comedians in one sitting and Spotify is the simplest way to listen to an entire album.

Low Hanging Fruit (2012)

I found James Adomian’s debut album to be good. Not incredible, but good.

Adomian is known around the Earwolf podcast network for his inventive, lively impersonations (including a paranoid, defensive Jessie Ventura, a maniacal Richard Branson, and an addled Gary Busey). His first comedy album, which was released through Earwolf, shows more of his normal personality, although he slips into several voices throughout the record to hilarious effect.

I first heard the comic on a number of Sklarbro Country episodes, performing as characters for mock interviews. They have several recurring impersonators, but I find his personas to be my favorites. He brings a great amount of energy to the table. In a recent episode, the brothers Sklar interviewed the man himself, and this got me interested in his standup. On the page for his album, you can listen to a great track that tackles the homophobic advertisements for beer that air during football games. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to buy the rest of the album (for a reasonable $10). While the rest of the bits do not quite live up to the sample track in my opinion, I got a great deal of enjoyment out of listening to them. At first I was lukewarm towards some of his material, but I must admit that upon further review I found myself laughing more and more. Taste in comedy is especially subjective, so it is difficult to judge how much Low Hanging Fruit will appeal to other people, but I liked it. I am not a fan of most stand-up, but I do appreciate the occasional alternative comedian, and Adomian is now one of them.

Plus, I just like the guy. I have written twice before about my tendency to latch onto personalities I like and support their work. I do wonder, then, how much I actually enjoy the things they produce because I want to like their stuff. Has my opinion of something been tainted if I have a desire to hang out with person who wrote it? Does the fact that I first was attracted to these people because of the quality of their handiwork remedy this?

In addition to the Sklarbro interview, Adomian appeared on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast. There he talked about growing up and coming to terms with his sexuality. As an out comic, he incorporates being gay into a large chunk of his act. I find his treatment of the topic agreeable; he talks about his sexual orientation as just another part of his personality, but is not afraid to utilize it to great effect. We need more people like him to help people understand sexual minorities as something more than stereotypes. But that is a topic for a whole other post (or series of posts).

Adomian seems to still be finding himself as a standup, but I feel that Low Hanging Fruit is a good first effort.

Sleepwalk with Me (2012)

I had the pleasure of seeing a screening of Mike Birgbiglia’s Sleepwalk with Me. I had to drive to Pittsburgh to see it, because independent cinema has no place in Indiana, PA, but it was worth it. The screening I attended was actually packed, and I wondered if I would get in when I saw that there was a line outside of the theater to buy tickets.

The film is the fourth incarnation of Birbiglia’s tales about his sleep disorder (the others being his appearances on This American Life (which produced the film), a one-man stage show/album, and a book). In each version, he chronicles his life after college as a struggling stand-up comedian, his relationship with his girlfriend, and his increasingly dangerous sleepwalking episodes.

The film certainly feels “indie,” but this is a good thing in my book. Birbiglia gives a solid performance as a version of himself, and the cast is rounded out by myriad comedians. Notable cameos include producer/co-writer Ira Glass as a wedding photographer, and Dr. William C. Dement as himself. The story is strong and the film weaves together the different plotlines deftly, unifying the thematic elements.

One of the few problems I had was with some of the main character’s dialog. It might be because I am familiar with his material, but some lines felt like a comedy routine shoehorned in instead of naturalistic dialog. Then again, the character interactions between fellow comedians just hanging out rang very true to me (based on hearing many stand-ups shoot the shit on podcasts).

I especially enjoyed the dream sequences. Glass said in an interview on Fresh Air that he normally despises dream sequences in film as cheap, and you can tell that special attention was paid to ensure that the scenes were uncanny but realistic.

I will admit that this review is heavily biased in favor of the movie. As I have noted before, I enjoy seeing people I admire get exposure. I was a fan before the film was even released. It was great (and sometimes a little surreal) to see comedic bits I know portrayed in cinematic form, like the stilted confessions of love featured on Wedding Story Tales, or the dismal lip-syncing contest.

Me, being biased.

I would certainly recommend this film to anyone with a sense of humor—or anyone who is a little weird. Fans of Birbiglia will get exactly what they expect, and new viewers may find themselves introduced to a wonderful world of awkward moments and strange conversations comparing abstract concepts to pizza, tinged by a healthy dose of self-deprecation.

The United Stats of America

There is a certain type of glee you feel when someone you are familiar with gets a break. Being a fan of the Sklar Brothers, I was very excited to hear that they would be hosting a show on the History Channel. The United Stats of America saw their first hosting gig on television since CheapSeats ended in 2006. Spanning six episodes, United Stats features breakdowns of topics ranging from how we die to how much money we make to how advances in transportation have affected the distribution of population across the country. It was produced by the same company that made the excellent This American Life.

Overall, I enjoyed the show, but it was not without its problems. A couple of episodes, particularly the first, skimp on the stats. As a result, they are heavy on the antics. While I enjoy most of the brothers’ mannerisms and interactions, a few of the jokes in the stat-lite episodes are real groaners. That glee I felt over them getting work turned to the same feeling you get when you see a friend in a play that isn’t that great.

The strongest episodes were those that focused on cramming a huge amount of information into the hour. The twins seem to really find their comedic footing most effectively when they have narrow slices of joke time and must make up for it by lining the episode with their trademark style of witty, rapid banter. I especially enjoyed the episode about why Americans used to be the tallest country on Earth, but have since lagged behind the Netherlands.

It’s a shame that the show probably will not be renewed, based on the Sklars’ comments about their ratings. It’s practically the only show on History that is not a reality program concerning people of varying levels of hillbilly-ness. That or the fear-mongering tripe they produce on the apocalypse. Remember the good old days, when you could make fun of the History Channel for focusing too much on Hitler, a real person? Nowadays, a viewer must put up with this:

I cannot say that every other show History airs sucks. I have a(n intelligent) friend that insists some of it is quite entertaining. But the truth is, United Stats got me watching History again after a long absence. No other current show of theirs interests me enough to even tune in out of curiosity (the last time that happened was maybe a year ago when I decided to check out Swamp People).